On this Easter Sunday I wish to share these thoughts with you all. This is long as I have been pondering and praying for many days on what to say, so bear with me. I wanted to share just a few of the pictures we were able to have taken of Turner from the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization. I can’t express enough my thanks and appreciation to this NILMDTS. To have an organization like this exist so families like ours can forever have such beautiful pictures of our children is priceless. Because of this NILMDTS our family has dozens of pictures of Turner that are very special to us.
First off, words can not express the love, prayers and support our family has felt over these last 3 trying weeks since Turner passed away. It’s been amazing and overwhelming to feel and see just how much our baby boy, Turner, has affected everyone. It’s been an extremely difficult time for our family and with Turners due date just a week ago, Monday the 10th, it has been personally very trying all week. I’ve experienced many different things, emotions, and thoughts over the last few weeks, some which I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to share. I’m hoping to soon start a blog where I can share my pregnancy with Turner, his birth story, and just my personal journey through this trial, while also having some type of support on there for other families who are in my situation. Turners death was so very unexpected, especially since he was a healthy full term baby and we were so anticipating his arrival any day and very ready to bring him home. Turners passing has left me in shock and feeling so very empty without my newborn son in my arms to raise, nurse, take care of and watch grow. Carrying a baby 9 months, giving birth to that perfect little baby and leaving the hospital without him was excruciating and painful on levels I’ll never be able to explain. My head has been spinning with many questions I desperately needed answers for, some of which I got and some of which I’ll never be able to receive here on this earth.
The one question that has taken the most faith on my part, but yet at the same time has been the easiest one for me to really know, understand and believe with every fiber of my being is that my husband, our children and I will all see Turner again. That he is and will always be our son and our children’s brother. That because of Jesus Christ and His Atonement, sacrifice and resurrection we can and will see, hold, kiss and be able to raise little Turner in the eternities. My head knows all these things, but my heart keeps trying to understand the “whys” of it all. Why do I have to wait, why did this happen to me, my husband, our four earthly children, and to my sweet, precious, beautiful little baby Turner. The only way I know how to explain it is that my head and my heart are at constant war and struggle to be on the same page. I don’t think I’ll ever really know the “whys” of it all while I am alive here on this earth and part of me knows that I’m probably not suppose to really know the “whys” either. However, I do know my Heavenly Father knows the “whys” of it all and someday I will know too and it will all make perfect sense. I also know my Heavenly Father knows me personally and knows how to help me walk through this life without Turner here on earth. That brings me much comfort since right now the thought and knowledge of having to live my life without him is unbearable and I don’t know even how to begin to do so. I have had divine revelation inspire upon my mind that my Heavenly Father has been ever careful in planning and preparing my whole life up until now and he didn’t stop there. That the same careful planning and preparation from here on out is still and will always take place until my time here on earth is over.
I’ve always enjoyed the spring and Easter season. The evidence of new life and renewal is on display for all to see. In years past I’ve enjoyed reflecting and pondering upon the life and events leading up to the crucifixion and more importantly the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I’ve enjoyed teaching our children about these events as well. This year and every year from now on, the Easter season, the meaning of new life, birth and yes…even death have a new and different meaning for me. More importantly the resurrection of Jesus Christ has a different meaning for me and my family. I’ve always known and believed Jesus Christ was a real person, He really did walk the earth, He really did perform miracles, and that He really was and is the Son of God. He performed many miracles during His time on earth, but the biggest miracle and blessing He performed was the atonement for all mankind and His resurrection. I’ve understood and have had a firm testimony of what the atonement and resurrection means for me and my family. However, since Turners passing it is much more real, tangible, and honestly more meaningful than ever before. I also realize just how very blessed I am to have a husband of unwavering faith to help me really understand and know these things are true.
I can’t imagine as a parent, who has now had a child pass away, not really knowing or understanding if I’d ever see, touch, hold, and kiss that child again. I can’t imagine as a parent, who has had to now bury a child, not knowing or understanding that the perfect and beautiful little person that my husband and I laid in the ground almost 3 weeks ago was and is a beautiful and perfect little shell that our sons spirit once filled, and that his spirit and our son still live forever more. Knowing and understanding these things are made possible because our Heavenly Father loves each of HIs children and wants us all to be able to return to live with Him again. He knew we would all come to earth, no matter how short or how long our lives may be, to receive a body. That we would each be tested and tried, and have the opportunity to receive eternal life if we follow His commandments. He sent His son, Jesus Christ, here to earth to atone for all of our sins so we could live with Him again in the eternities. Most importantly Heavenly Father prepared and made possible the resurrection of Jesus Christ so we can all be resurrected, too, and have eternal life. That because of Jesus Christ and sacred covenants I have made with my husband, our family is and always will be together forever, even into the eternities. That each of our children, including little Turner, will always be ours. That I, someone so imperfect, am a mother to a son whose spirit is so special and valiant that all he needed to do to gain eternal life and celestial glory was to receive a body. That my husband and I, as his mother and father, were able to give that to him. THAT is the good news of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
My hope and prayer for each of you this Easter is that you can find this same understanding, knowledge and belief. Even when life gets tough and it seems you can’t bear one more second of the trials you have in your life, I can assure you that your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know exactly what you are going through. They know your exact needs, thoughts, pains and heartache. And that if you just cling and turn your heart over to them they will help lead and guide you in the ways they know are best. Knowing all these things doesn’t take away the pain, heartache, and feelings you may have, but it certainly helps ease them a little as they help to carry your burdens with you. May this Easter season bring each and everyone of you comfort and peace. May you feel the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and know his atonement is very real and that because of His resurrection we may all have eternal life and one day be reunited with all those who you love. I wish you all a very Happy Easter.