I have wanted to write this letter for a while, but the words I want to write often don’t feel adequate enough to express what I truly want to say. So I’ll do my best to share my feelings and thoughts with you openly and honestly. This letter is written to you with all the love I can have.
I know I scare you. I scare the living pants right off of you. Heck, I scare myself each and everyday. I am a walking, living, breathing reality of your worst nightmare when you are pregnant. The nightmare of having your baby pass away at fullterm completely unexpectedly.
Losing a healthy baby after a flawless and beautiful pregnancy at fullterm isn’t suppose to happen. But is does. More than anyone likes to admit…it happens, and it happened to me on March 24, 2017 when I was 37 weeks 5 days pregnant.
If you haven’t unfollowed me on Facebook by now (and I fully realize that most of you have), I am that harsh reality smack dab in your face each time you see my posts on Facebook about my beautiful son, Turner. I must admit a few things to you all.
This is going to be hard for me to say these things since I love each of you and I truly wish you the best in your pregnancy and wouldn’t wish losing a baby on anyone. Please try to see that this is me being honest with my feelings and said with as much love as I can have.
- I have unfollowed you on Facebook. Either the moment when you announced your pregnancy or if you were pregnant around the same time I was and you have your baby in your arms. You have been unfollowed. Not because I don’t care for you, but because I literally can’t see the innocence on your face, your children’s face (if you have any), your husbands face, or your constant growing belly or the pictures of your baby and their milestones. My heart literally hurts each time I see a pregnancy announcement.
- Please realize and understand that I was once you. Happy, overjoyed and eagerly watching my son grow each week. Sharing pictures of my ever growing belly. Having pure joy on my face knowing I would get to raise another baby one more time. I was you. Thinking my baby would make it home. The thought of him NOT being in my arms wasn’t even a possibility. Me having another baby in my arms was a given. Before March 24th the thought of healthy babies dying around their due date never really crossed my mind, and they certainly didn’t die at fullterm in a flawless pregnancy in the supposed “safe zone” of pregnancy. The home stretch. Those final days.
- I see the innocence and joy in your eyes and it breaks me. It breaks me to know I will never be that person again. Who thinks of pregnancy as a joyous time. That is a very hard pill to swallow and to know it is gone is pure agony. Pregnancy is now a place of fear and anxiety for me. And further, I feel like I may jinx your baby if I look to long at your belly or talk to you…as if my experience might be a contagious diesease. I would much rather you be happy without me in it. Right now I am trying my hardest to be happy FOR you. I just honestly can’t be happy WITH you because my heart is broken since my baby isn’t in my arms. This is not because I am being mean, angry or that I want you to understand my heartache. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. If anything I am so happy you more than likely won’t ever know my daily pain and heartache.
- I can’t see a pregnancy announcement, a pregnant friend or even a stranger and just feel excitment anymore. Now I feel anger- because I won’t get to take my baby home like you more than likely will; sorrow- because I know what the end of my pregnancy looked like for me and what the rest of my life is now, forever missing one of my children; jealousy- because you have what I know I can never have…the baby you nurtured and took care of for 9 months, that will soon be in your arms. A mindset during pregnancy that only has joy and happiness without the very real reality that babies die during routine pregnancies all the time even when you are near, or at fullterm.
- I won’t be able to attend your baby shower or send you a gift. Being surrounded by people who are excited to meet your little one is too overwhelming and highly emotional. I’m not trying to be rude, but baby showers won’t be an event I’ll be able to celebrate for quite a while.
- I don’t mean to be standoffish or completely absent. Please realize that your most exciting time in your life has also been my most devastating time. As much as you need love and support during your pregnancy and life with your baby after they are born, I need just as much love, support and understanding during the mourning of my son, my baby, and the life I will now have forever without him here. The baby I carried for 9 months. I too carried him just like you are doing with your baby. I too gave birth to him just like you will give both to your baby. I too love my baby just as much as you love your baby. The only difference is I was only able to hold my beautiful baby boy for a short time before I had to say goodbye. We then did the hardest thing any parent has to do…bury our son 3 days after his birth.
- I won’t be able to hear your complaints about the hardships of pregnancy. I know pregnancy is hard. It is so taxing on our bodies. But I would do anything to have my sweet baby boy tucked inside my womb. I would give anything to feel my baby kick and turn just one more time. I would give anything to be blissfully unaware of the nightmare I now live. I would give anything for the aches, pains, nausea, heartburn, sleepless nights, back aches, extra weight, stretch marks, and sore hips. Pregnancy eventually ends. Your baby will soon be in your arms. What doesn’t end is the heartbreak one feels when you lose a baby during pregnancy. Be ever so grateful that your body is able to carry your baby and that you have the privilege to experience such a wonderful miracle of life.
- Finally, and most importantly I wish you nothing but happiness and all the best wishes and prayers I could ever extend to you and your baby. I pray you won’t ever know my pain. I pray you have a flawless pregnancy and birth. I pray you enjoy every moment with your baby before they get here. I pray you have a different perspective on your pregnancy and baby once he/she is born because of my Turner. I pray you hold that baby ever so close even when you have sleepless nights for days on end because it could have turned out so differently.
I love you my friend. I love you more than words could express. Please be patient with me as my shattered heart learns how to live my life without my precious baby. I know if the roles were reversed you would want the same respect and understanding from me as well. Best wishes and much love to you during this happy time in your life.
Your Friend Who is Forever Missing Her Baby