August 1, 2016.

Exactly one year ago today.

I had just gotten back from my parents house in Wisconsin two days prior. My Dad is a dentist and I needed to have some extensive dental work done so I flew home for a weeks “vacation”. I use the word vacation lightly because during this week I sat in a dental chair for about 5-6 hours getting prepped for crowns, had the crowns placed, redid a root canal, and had a major cavity that was unseen fixed. I had multiple X-rays as well. All over the span of 5 days. My mouth was sore and I had the largest cold sore I have ever had in my life as my parting present. The entire inside of my mouth was also covered in canker sores as well. I was in pain from all the work done but grateful for the thousands of dollars saved.  I made sure my parents submitted claims to my dental insurance so they could get paid for the materials and their time as I certainly didn’t want all their work on me to be completely “pro bono”.

I remember when I got on the plane going to Wisconsin and coming back a sign by the TSA security check point that read in big bold letters something to the effect of:

“If you are or think you may be pregnant please do not use X-rays and inform a TSA agent”

I wondered if I could be as Dave and I had been discussing having another child to complete our family.  I proceeded through the scanners.

That day started off as any normal day. Getting up, getting kids fed, dressed and ready for the day. We had a follow up “parent meeting” with a Orthopedic Surgeon for our eldest daughter due to issues that were found with her feet and legs the month prior. We were both anxious to meet with the Doctor and discuss treatment.  After our meeting we were relieved to here him say that our daughter would need to do physical therapy to correct the birth defect in her ankles and the issues present in her legs and hips. What a relief we felt that day.

After our meeting we are at Chick Fil-A, a good family favorite, to eat lunch before I headed home and Dave headed back to work. I had just happened to mention to Dave that I was suppose to get my period that morning and it had yet to arrive. I said I wasn’t sure what was going on as I had already taken a test 3 days before hand and it was negative. With all of our other children I could have taken a test 4-5 days before my expected period and it would show positive. So I told him I doubted I was pregnant.

I am like clockwork. Always have been.

Monthly cycles were never a problem for me. Every 28 days. Textbook. If my period didn’t start in the early morning on cycle day 1…I was pregnant. Fertility has always come easy for us. We discuss wanting to have another baby and the next month I’m pregnant. Three of our children were all conceived the month we discussed wanting to add to our family or the month directly following. Two of our children we had been wanting to have another baby but wanted to wait a few months before “trying”. These two children decided “to heck with mom and dads thoughts I am ready now!” Those two children are our blonde hair babies, Scout and Turner.

Dave was eager to find out if I was in fact pregnant so I bought some tests on my way home from lunch.  I picked up the kids from my brother and sister in laws house and I rushed to the bathroom. Took the test. Stared at the test as the lines began to appear. Two pink lines. Blaring at my face. I took another test just to make “sure” that test was correct. You’d think by now I would know these test are accurate. After all this would be my 5th pregnancy and baby. No…I needed more of a “in your face YOURE PRENGNANT” test. One that physically read “pregnant” or “not pregnant”.  To my shock it said PREGNANT.

By this time it had been nearly an hour to an hour and a half after Dave and I parted ways. He was clearly sitting on pins and needles. He had already texted me with words like “so are you pregnant?” During that hour to an hour and a half, I explained I had to pick up pregnancy tests, get the kids and get home before I could let him know.   I took a picture of the test and texted him back and said something to the effect of “looks like we will be having another baby next year!”  We we’re both so very excited.

I was nervous, happy, and also concerned. Nervous because I have had 4 flawless pregnancies up until now. I’ve never miscarried, never had any health complications with any of our babies, made it to 40 weeks and then some with each of our babies, and just sailed through each pregnancy. I was 35 and I felt the cards were just stacked against me. I thought I was doomed to have something happen. I figured I would lose the baby through miscarriage, have a health complication or something to that effect. I had it too easy. God blessed me too much with fertility and pregnancy that I thought that if I got pregnant again I was just “asking for something to happen”.

Looking back now, I can honestly say I wasn’t scared or concerned about losing my child near his due date. That wasn’t ever a fear of mine, it wasn’t a concern at all. It never crossed my mind. The possibility of stillbirth. Every woman knows it’s a possibility, but you don’t ever think it will happen to you, your healthy baby and flawless pregnancy. Especially when you are being monitored throughly and will be delivering in a hospital. Especially When your baby is just mere days from their due date.  It’s not suppose to happen and a pregnant women certainly isn’t going to think that will happen, at least I didn’t.  Until that morning March 24, 2017.

I digress…

I was happy about this baby because I’m always happy knowing I’m carrying another baby. The joy, love and bond I have with my babies is indescribable. I know each of them, their personalities, and spirits before they were ever born. A connection that only a mother and her unborn child have. Spirits connecting and souls bonding. I loved being pregnant.

I was also concerned. Concerned for how I would cope with being pregnant again. I had finally lost almost all of the weight I had gained over nearly 10 years from 4 pregnancies. It took me 2 years to lose 40 lbs. I finally felt alive. I was the Desiree I once knew before having babies. Happy, confident, and proud of the woman staring back at me in the mirror.  Finally feeling comfortable in my own skin.

For the entire year before I found out I was pregnant I was selfish and didn’t want to have another baby.  We had discussed having a baby but I just kept saying “no” or “I’m not ready” because I selfishly didn’t want to give up this new found mental clarity/freedom and confidence I felt. I didn’t want all my hard work to be lost. I knew what pregnancy does to me. My body likes to gain weight when pregnant. I am not one of those women who just gets a belly bump. I get a belly bump, butt bump, boob bump, and arms bump. Every part of me gets pregnant. I was terrified of what a pregnancy would do to me and the toll it would take on my body. So for a year I pushed aside the little voice constantly in my head that said, “Mom, what about me?  When are you going to bring me to earth?  I’m waiting to be there with everyone”.  Pushing aside that Heavenly prompting talking to me was hard to do and selfish. I knew it. I finally decided I could lose weight at anytime but I could only have babies for a certain amount of time. That is when I finally told Dave “let’s have another baby”.

After finding out I was pregnant I decided I wasn’t going to focus on the number the scale displayed any longer. It didn’t define me. What defines me was me. I was just going to cherish every second of this pregnancy with this baby as I knew this baby would be our last. This baby was to complete our family. Complete our child bearing days. I would do everything I could to workout and stay healthy during my pregnancy. I could focus on my body and losing weight after I was done nurturing and providing for this beautiful baby that depended on me. And I would gladly do it.

Dave and I agreed to not let anyone know, even the kids, for quite some time. Not for fear of miscarriage, but because we knew some of the comments people would say we’re things we both didn’t want to hear. Most people would be truly happy for us. While others would claim happiness but follow it up with hurtful comments. Things such as “you know what causes that don’t you” “don’t you think you have enough children already”, “you sure are a glutten for punishment”, “another baby??”, “you already have two of each, why would you want another”, “oh your getting a tie breaker”, etc, etc, etc……

Dave and I always wanted more than just a couple of children. So it is hard to hear comments such as these when we are so excited about another baby. A different, unique, precious child we are carrying and bringing into this world. Knowing other people truly weren’t happy for us and think we are somehow being irresponsible, reckless, or somehow over producing. We take care of our children, we teach them, provide for their every need. We try to be the best parents we can be and don’t rely on other people to take care of them for us. We aren’t a burden on society, friends or family so why couldn’t people just be happy. Happy about this beautiful baby I was carrying??  Celebrating in this new life we were going to bring into the world. One of Gods children. Our child. Our beautiful child. It frustrated me each and every single pregnancy after our 2nd child. As if somehow 2 children are society’s limits on what constitutes a family. If you go above and beyond that than shame on you and the naysayers come out in full force!!

So we kept our growing little baby a secret for 15 weeks. We let the harsh remarks from the few dictate our sharing our exciting news. Feeling such joy and excitement and having no one spoiling it for us was nice. We told family and close close friends at 10 weeks, but told everyone else at 15 weeks.

This was the beginning of our sons, Turner, life. August 1st, 2016 was his “birthday”. The day his soul was born into our hearts, minds and spirits. A day full of overwhelming love and gratitude for this unique baby we were carrying. Eagerly awaiting his due date…April 10, 2017.