These 5 people are what brings me strength everyday. I’m thankful for my husband who helps me see, even when I’m having a very hard time seeing it and don’t want to hear the truthfulness behind his words and love for me, the many many blessings I have in my life. That despite my immense pain and heartache I have much to be thankful for and I need to focus more on these blessings in my life.
Focusing on blessings when you’re consumed with grieving your child who passed away is an extremely hard thing to do (plus add in all the post pregnancy hormones which are already hard to deal with) and it really does take all of my effort and energy. While visiting Turner at his grave a couple days ago, my sweet husband said something to me and it struck me really hard. I’ll admit, I got upset hearing my husband tell me what he said. What he said wasn’t even mean nor did he say it trying to be mean. He has been the absolute best and my rock through this situation. I knew in my mind what he was saying was absolutely true, but I didn’t want to hear it in that moment. I wanted to just be heard with my thoughts and feelings. My husband was hearing and listening to me and obviously understands and is going through this same pain and heartache as well, but he has also seen this grief absolutely consume and crush me. He’s seen me at my absolute lowest. He knows I don’t know how to pick myself back up and climb out of this deep hole I am living in. He has watched me, the happy go lucky, optimistic, loving Desiree, just merely existing. He’s heard me speak some pretty dark words on how I’m feeling and thinking. I know it breaks him apart seeing me like that and knowing he can’t physically do anything to fix his broken wife and mother to his 5 children. I will be the first to admit that I am extremely hard headed and stubborn at times. So in that moment when my husbands words were spoken out of love and concern for me, his eternal companion, and not wanting me to see me absolutely destroyed any longer…I didn’t take it too well. However, his words kept replaying over and over in my head since then and I know that what he said was absolutely true.
I know each day I can chose to be consumed in grief or I can chose to be thankful for my life, my husbands life, my children’s lives including Turners life, and my many many family members and friends lives. I know, as much as it pains me, that I can chose to focus on my blessings and all I do have or I can focus on my grief. I know most days will be a struggle to make that decision and that’s ok, especially right now not even 6 weeks later, but I must make that decision. I know some days are going to be down right hard to deal with and I will have setbacks and shortcomings and that ok. I know my pain will always be there, the hole in my heart will always be there, the longing to hold and see Turner will always be there, all of the thoughts and feeing will ALWAYS be there, but letting them fester and build won’t help me learn how to love, breathe and truly live again. It’s going to take time…a long time and that’s ok. But I must work towards it each day as hard as that seems right now. And no, me saying these things and knowing them doesn’t mean I’m all of sudden fine or ok. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss or love my son any less or that I don’t want to talk about him or share his life with others. I had a child die and that will always be a part of my life, my husbands life and our children’s lives. What it does mean is that I love little Turner so much that I have to do everything in my power to live my life for him, for my husband and for my 4 beautiful children who ARE here on this earth. For the people that need me each day.
One day at a time…