One week ago this morning, I laid my eyes on our precious son, Turner, for the last time here on this earth. I kissed his sweet cheeks and forehead for the last time. I held his little hands in mine for the last time and told him all the things a mothers heart wanted her baby boy to know. One week ago we said our earthly goodbyes to Turner and laid his little body to rest. Seeing him was bittersweet. I desperately needed to see him, hold him and kiss him one more time, but I knew that I would eventually have to let go of him all over again. I can’t describe the feeling and knowledge of knowing you won’t ever see one of your children while here on this earth again. It is the most agonizing and helpless feeling in the world. However, seeing him that day helped me understand that his spirit is living on.
I remember feeling a sweet presence and a peace surround me while staring at the beauty that was our son. I remember my Heavenly Father impress on my heart and mind that He knows my pain and hasn’t forgotten about me. There was a Heavenly presence there in that room and also later at his very small and simple graveside service. Yes, it was devastating seeing such a little casket and knowing that my son was inside that little box waiting to be put deep in the ground. Even now when I see these pictures I know that is me in them, but I have a very hard time really “knowing” that is me and this is my life now. However, the spiritual message that was given during his service was exactly what I needed to hear. I could feel Turner there as well, almost wrapping his arms around me as I felt this overwhelming love consume me. It was as if the Heavens had opened for a brief moment and poured their love down on me and my family to let us know that is due time we will be reunited with our sweet baby boy. I felt a calming presence and a peace I hadn’t felt in days. It was just a brief moment in time, but knowing I felt that way lets me know that my Heavenly Father knows me, my pains, my fears, my anguish and knows the ache I have in my heart as Turners mother. He knows I’ll never “get over” the death of our precious son, but He knows how to help me be able to put one foot in front of the other, be able to breathe again, pick up the pieces of my shattered and broken heart and learn how to truly live again.
My life and our families life will never be the same since Turners passing. I will never be the same Desiree I was before this extremely difficult trail I must now face for the rest of my life. Turner has changed me forever. In that moment when I felt heavens presence, I knew I could let this overwhelming trial either destroy me or make something of me. I chose for this to make something of me…what that may be I don’t know yet. What I do know is one day I’ll figure out what my Heavenly Father wants me to do. I know He has a great plan in store and that little Turners life wasn’t for nothing, but for now I’m just figuring out how to move forward. There will never be a “moving on” from Turner as he is and will forever be our child, but life and everyone else moves on whether I like it or not. All I can do is continue to pray for peace and comfort in the upcoming days, weeks, months and years that lie ahead until I can wrap my arms around my sweet baby boy and kiss him once more.