My Dear Sweet Turner,
It has been 18 weeks since our last perfect day together. I replay Thursday March 23rd over and over in my head every single Thursday. Trying my hardest to remember what you felt like. What your kicks and punches felt like. I hope I never forget these memories. How I eagerly anticipated meeting you, our last baby. “Would you be a girl or boy?” I wondered even though I knew within every fiber of my being that you were a boy. I wondered if you would look like Reagan, Thomas and Andrew or would you look more like little Scout, our blonde hair, blue eyed beauty. I wondered how big you’d be, what kind of personality you would have, although I told your father I was sure you’d be just like little Andrew, feisty, active and very much all boy.
I had you whole future already played out in my head. Eagerly waiting to finally being able to raise and take care of our last baby. I was ready to have another baby one more time. To do the sleepless nights, diaper changes, breastfeeding, and all the hardships of taking care of another child. I was so ready to do it all one more time and was very excited to do so. To be able to take care of you. Watch you grow, learn, and become a handsome young man someday, just like your brothers.
Now I have to wait until the eternities to do so. Knowing I must wait possibly half a century or more until I’m reunited with you and see your sweet face again, hold your beautiful body close to mine and kiss your cheeks once more is like torture. It seems so far away and at times like a daunting thing to do and to much to bear. To live another 50 plus years. How do you continue to live and not merely exist when your soul is shattered and your heart broken in a million pieces? How does one continue to breathe, move, and function when you feel as if the world has fallen apart.
My days are slowly becoming easier to manage. Your siblings and your father…thank goodness for them. I ann eternally grateful and blessed to have them in my life. They make me so very happy to be alive each day. They keep me going even on the days I just want to stay in bed and cry. I couldn’t be more blessed to have them here with me. Blessed to be their mother, and to raise them. Blessed to be your father’s wife and to love him and share my soul with him while we walk through this life together.
The constant pain I feel is becoming easier to manage. However, I know when I chose to not focus on the pain and try to pretend I’m ok is when the grief comes flooding back. When that happens it’s as if I’m right back in that hospital room finding out you were gone. It’s excruciating having those feelings, thoughts and events replay and come to the surface again, even though they are always there no matter how hard I try. Like a film that is constantly playing on repeat in my mind. Images, sounds, and words forever etched in my brain and heart. I have to continue learning how to grieve as an everyday part of my life. It’s so strange to be smiling and happy but yet feel so empty inside, only feeling numbness most days.
I has been nearly 11 days since I have last sat with you at your grave. We are currently driving back from vacation at your grandparents house. The closer I get to our home the more relief I feel because I know that means I will be close to your little body. Being away from home was hard for many different reasons this time, but mostly because I hated knowing I couldn’t be with one of my children each day. Your brothers and sisters had so much fun at your grandparents house. They enjoyed every second. It was wonderful watching the world through their eyes for those two weeks. But I couldn’t help but wondered what you would have done and how different this vacation would have been had you been there with us. I knew you were near on several different occasions and I’m thankful for you letting me know you were close by. Calming your mothers heart and soul. I’m grateful to all my friends and family who spent time with you each day. You were never alone one single day and had multiple visitors who love you and our entire family. These sweet people eased my heart and mind and helped make this trip less painful than what I was anticipating it to be. Your father and I will never be able to express how much their kindness and love means to us.
I can’t wait until I am home so I can sit with you and know I am ever so close to your body. Maybe one day I won’t feel the need each day to be physically close to the shell that your spirit once filled. Right now that is what I miss. That is what makes my heart ache the most. I miss feeling the weight of you in my arms. I miss feeling the softness of your skin on mine, I miss kissing your beautiful face, holding your little hand and studying your tiny feet. I miss you. Every bit of you. I feel your spirit anywhere I might be and feel you nearby all the time. However, I visit your grave because I know that is as close as I’ll ever get to you here on this earth. How do describe to someone that I will forever be 6 feet away from one of my children? My baby. My baby boy who I just gave birth to 4 months ago. Even though you aren’t ever far away in spirit? This harsh reality of knowing you are right there at your grave in a tiny beautiful white casket. A casket filled with various items from your siblings, your father and I. So much love was put in that casket with you. All the love we could put in their with you.
I miss you my dear sweet son. I miss you so bad my body physically hurts. Im sorry I couldn’t save you even though I desperately tried. But even though I couldn’t save you, you saved your mother from a life of not truly understanding how precious this life is and to love more deeply than I ever thought was humanly possible. Thank you my sweet son for giving me a love so deep it penetrates even death. For teaching me how to love your siblings and father more than I already did. I never dreamed I could love and appreciate them more than I already did. Until eternity sweet boy.
Love Always and Forever,