My Dear Sweet Turner,
It has been 17 weeks since our last perfect day together. It seems like an eternity has passed since I last held you. Felt the weight of your perfect little body in my arms. I miss you so much it causes my body to ache. Most days I winder how I am still able to function, breathe, and continue with life knowing you aren’t here. Knowing this little baby boy we were planning on doing so many things with isn’t here. So many crushed dreams, for us, for you, and for your siblings. A life we were suppose to have taken from us in a second. A life I never planned on living, but find myself living each day. How very fragile life is. You don’t realize it until you all of a sudden are faced with a life without one of your children.
This week has been a hard week and also a week full of miracles, blessings, and tender mercies. We were able to travel to visit your Grandma and Grandpa Hering. Your brothers and sisters were so excited to be back at Grandma and Grandpas house. It is always so much fun for them visiting in the summer. Lots of swimming on the lake, fishing off the dock, tubing, and just doing whatever their little hearts desire. I always love watching them. Remembering the summers I would spend at my own grandparents house. I’m glad they will always have these fond memories of my parents. I am also glad they have been able to just have fun I’ve also enjoyed being around my family and seeing my parents.
I was very apprehensive leaving you behind. I haven’t physically left the state of South Carolina since your birth and death. I have always stayed at least 30-45 mins from the house. Knowing that going on vacation or even taking a short overnight trip means always leaving one of our children behind is such an agonizing feeling. I hope and pray this feeling eases with time. I was so afraid that you wouldn’t have anyone to visit with you each day. Your Grandma Crocker ensured me she would visit you each day. Your Aunt Echo also said she would visit you as well as often as she could. I also asked a couple of friends if they wouldn’t mind visiting with you. I told them to just go when they wanted to as I didn’t want anyone to feel obligated to go everyday while I was away. I knew my friends and family would take care of you while I was gone. To make sure you weren’t ever alone.
Turner, I want to tell you something. The people who know me, your father, your siblings and love each of us have completely gone above and beyond to help me know you are not alone while I’m gone. They have made me feel like I can breathe a little easier during this trip. They have managed to comfort my heart. Each day since I have been gone, at least 3-5 people (that I know of) visit with you. They have sent me sweet messages and pictures so I knew you were not alone. They let me know what they said to you and the presence they have felt there. They have thanked me for finally being able to meet you and sit with you. They have in essence gotten a glimpse of our life and a glimpse of you. This is the only way anyone can ever really meet you while here in this earth. To say hello. To talk with you. And to also say their condolences.
No one ever got to see you, hold you, and feel the beautiful little infant that you were. All 6lbs and 2oz of you. They never got to see with their own eyes that you looked and were just like every single newborn baby that has ever lived on this earth. There wasn’t anything different about you. You were simply perfect. No one ever got to attend your funeral as I just couldn’t bear being around other people besides your siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I couldn’t bear the thought of completely breaking down in front of a crowd of people. Having them see me in the depths of my despair.
In many ways I felt ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn’t keep you safe. Ashamed that the baby I so carefully carried for 9 months in my womb wasn’t in my arms. I had nothing to show for my entire pregnancy because you weren’t in my arms. I felt ashamed, defeated, completely broken and devastated. I know everyone would have attended your funeral if we would have allowed it, but we just couldn’t do it sweet boy. It was just too much for us to bear with losing you when we were expecting to bring you home anyday. We were in such a state of shock and we wanted to be able to say goodbye in our own time and in our own way.
The people that have been left to help support us in our time of need have been a God send. The tender mercies they have shown me this week and also every week since you have passed. The blessings they continue to pour out in our family. We are surrounded by such amazing people everyday. Heavenly Father surely knew what he was doing leading us to South Carolina. There are so many people who love you. Who love you even though they never met you. You have changed people and the way they live their lives. My sweet little infant son has changed many people’s lives and hopefully the lives of many more to come. I am so proud of you my sweet boy. Proud to call you mine even though you are no longer in my arms. This isn’t the way I envisioned being your mother, but I will gladly continue being your mother here on this earth, just as I do with the rest of the kids, until my time here is done. Sleep tight my dear boy. I can’t wait to be near you again when I get back home.
Love Always and Forever,