My Dearest Turner,
My sweet son it has been 14 weeks since our last perfect day together. 14 weeks. It seems nearly impossible that I have been without you for over 3 months now. There are times where I feel angry that I am some how still managing to breathe and live knowing you aren’t here. How can a mother possibly keep living when her child is gone? That thought consumes me sometimes. I catch myself beating myself up mentally and constantly having to calm my thoughts and feelings down. I know I am “living” but right now I’m not really living, rather I am only merely existing. The inside of me feels dead. Numb even. Very, very numb. I exist right now because I have to. I have to not only for me, but for your daddy, siblings and for you.
I hear many people tell me I am so strong, but the truth is I am far from it. You see my dear boy, people don’t understand that you have no choice in the matter whether to keep moving, keep functioning, keep living. I didn’t chose to lose you and I certainly didn’t chose to have to live the rest of my life without you, but here I am. Forced to live a life I didn’t chose. Forced to live without a part of me. Forced to try to pick up the many shattered pieces of my life and soul and somehow manage to figure out how they are suppose to come back together. The truth is that they won’t all come back together. Even years from now I know there will always be many pieces missing because you aren’t here. I will never feel whole ever again. Completely and perfectly whole. And even when I do manage to pick up some pieces and find where they belong the scars will still be there, just like a clay pot you shatter and superglue back together. The pot will take on the same shape, but the cracks and pieces have clear marks where the damage is permantly etched into its shape forver. Forever a story which can be clearly seen by anyone who looks at the clay pot. Only my scars aren’t visible to outsiders looking in. My scars will be deeply hidden surrounding my heart and soul.
This morning I had to wake the kids up early to get your big sister, Reagan, to her art camp she has attended all month long. When I came to wake up your big brother, Andrew, I couldn’t help but notice the overwhelming resemblance you have of him while he was peacefully sleeping. I never saw your eyes open on their own, but for a brief moment I saw you in Andrew and it warmed my heart. There is a picture that your nurse, Kim, took of you after you were born and it is one of my favorites. In this picture you look so peaceful. You can see your newborn neck fat, cute little chin, chubby checks, and little nose. Every perfect part of your face. The neck fat on babies is my favorite part. I think that is what I love most about this picture. I always loved kissing my babies neck fat because it so soft and has that newborn baby smell. I made sure to give you lots of kisses on your neck as well the day you were born. But in that moment with Andrew, I saw you in my minds eye. It made me wish you were here oh so badly. I just sat with Andrew for several minutes just staring at him while trying to picture your face in my mind and wondering what you would look like as a 3 month old baby.
This week has been hard. Your Daddy arrived in the Middle East and it is so very hard being away from him. The kids miss him just as much as I do. I’ve been able to see his face everyday, but it just isn’t the same as being in the same room with him. Life here isn’t the same without him and I’m certainly not the same without him here.
I’ve been able to talk about you with several people this week. It has been so helpful for me when people allow me to talk about you. They don’t get uncomfortable about hearing my thoughts and feelings and me just saying your name. These friends will never know how much I appreciate them. There willingness to just let me be. Their willingness to let me talk and to not try and fix my thoughts and feelings with words. The sincere empathy they have has helped me. Being able to say your beautiful name also helps. Oh what a wonderful feeling it is to say your name. I can finally say your name without breaking down and crying. Saying your name helps to acknowledge that you are my son and you lived.
I feel the anger slowly starting to creep in each day. I’m not angry at anyone or anything, but rather angry at my life’s situation of not having you here. I see all these pregnant women and newborns or infants and it makes me oh so jealous and angry all rolled into one. I want so badly what these women have and would give anything for the sleepless nights, screaming baby, every frustration, poopy diaper and spit up because that means you are here. I’m so very happy for them and rejoice that they don’t know this pain and that they get to raise their babies, but it is a strange feeling to feel happiness, anger and jealousy all rolled into one. I would give ANYTHING to have you here. I so hope these woman truly understand what a blessing it is to have their precious baby in their arms. That they don’t have to visit a grave in order to be near their child’s body. Forever 6 feet away from your baby.
My dear sweet boy, I just hope you know how much I love you. How very much your father and I wanted you here. You were our last baby we were going to have. You were going to complete our family. You were the missing piece to our families puzzle. And without you here I don’t know where to turn or what to do anymore. I still recognize the person in the mirror and notice she is me. She looks so familiar, but oh so very different. There is a sadness in her eyes and her countenance and spirit are much, as much duller. She has been changed forever into something she doesn’t want to be but has no choice to be this new person she is now. I hope one day I can look in the mirror and see a loving sadness in her eyes and not a heartbreaking sadness. I hope I can look her in the eyes one day and say how very proud of the woman she has become despite her immense heartache. I hope I can look in the mirror and see a woman who is finally living again instead of merely existing. With your help and Heavenly Fathers help I know I will see her one day.
Please be ever so near me my sweet boy. And please visit me in my dreams soon.
Love always and Forever,