My Dear Sweet Turner,
it has been 36 weeks since our last perfect day together. Thanksgiving has come and gone and I somehow survived my first major holiday without you here. This past week has been extremely busy to say the least. Much is happening here in our home. Some exciting things happening and also things that have made my grief and missing you extremely hard and overwhelming at times.
Approaching December I have a mixture of emotions. I’m happy to be able to experience another Christmas with your brothers and sisters, but knowing full well there should be more presents under the tree for you. I’m trying to do several things to honor you and remember you. Starting new Christmas traditions in your name. Sharing and giving more freely to others who are less fortunate that our family.
Your headstone is finally, after 7 long months, almost complete. It has turned out beautifully. It is very bittersweet for me realizing that while others are shopping for their children and family memebers this Christmas, I have been busy for weeks speaking with the carver of your headstone. Making sure your headstone is done correctly, and finalizing the process of giving you the only earthly gift your father and I could ever give to you. The only earthly thing to let others know how much you mean to us. A huge granite stone with a beautiful lamb on top and your name forever etched in stone.
Its hard even trying to get into a “joyous” mood or want to listen to Christmas music this year.
Your father was playing “Silent Night” the other day. For me, hearing the lyrics to that song, the meaning behind them and just reflecting on them is just different now. I thought of things and felt things I’ve never experienced before while listening to that song.
What used to be one of my favorite Christmas songs is now surrounded by something else. Remembering our “silent night” during your labor and birth. Remembering how very silent everything was in the room When you were born. Almost as if time stood still for a moment.
And then the words “sleep in heavenly peace”. I can’t put the feelings into words what I felt hearing them. Knowing you looked as if you were sleeping. So beautiful and perfect laying in my arms. Knowing you were already in heaven the entire time you laid in our arms. “Sleeping in heavenly peace”.
Bur then I remember that the song is about the birth of Jesus Christ and that because of Him you are mine and your fathers forever. That because of that heavenly newborn baby, I can raise and see you in the eternities. Knowing that you are sealed to our family and even though death temporarily separates our earthly bodies, our spirits are forever connected. Mother and son. Not even death can break that sacred eternal bond and love.
That is what will bring me joy this Christmas season. Knowing I have a beautiful son waiting for me. Knowing I have a kind of love very few people experience, know and feel each day. Knowing I have a piece of heaven surrounding me each day. Knowing that you are perfect where you are and only felt happiness, love and joy while here on this earth.
I miss you more than I can ever describe. I’ll forever wonder about the life I should have had with you here with our family on this earth. I’ll forever miss all the firsts you should have been doing by now. I’ll forever miss being blessed with the opportunity to watch you grow and the sibling relationships you should have had with you brothers and sisters. I’ll forever miss the weight of you in my arms. I’ll forever miss seeing and remembering every little detail of your handsome little face, perfect little hands and feet. I’ll forever miss you my son.
Love Always and Forever,