My Dear Sweet Turner,
It has been 30 weeks since our last perfect day together. I have not formally written my thoughts and feelings to you for an entire month. My mind has been swirling lately and so much has happened in the last month. It seems nearly impossible that you have been gone nearly 7 months. Every month when the 24th and 25th comes along I stand in completely amazement that I am still living without you. Still very much having to live my life without the piece of the puzzle that completes our family.
About 3 weeks ago your Daddy came home from his deployment from the Middle East. I am thrilled he is home and that we can figure out life together. I’ve felt like I have been literally holding my breathe when you passed away and then your father deployed nearly 3 months later. Him leaving put everything on hold. It wasn’t until he walked through our front door that I felt as if I could finally exhale and take a breathe. My first real breathe since you’ve been gone.
Fall is finally here and it is usually my favorite time of year. It all just feel different now. I think about all the things we should have done this past summer as a family with you. I think how you should be starting to figure out crawling, pulling up on things, making us all giggle, eating solid foods, snuggling in my arms, babbling all the time and bringing us pure joy. Instead I’m left dreading the Holidays that are quickly approaching.
Every Halloween we always dress up in a family theme. This year I just can’t do it. We were going to do a Star Wars theme and I wanted you to be a baby Yoda or Chubaka. I had it all planned out earlier this year. Instead we aren’t doing a family theme. I won’t be dressing up at all. I just won’t be able to pretend to enjoy this holiday and put in a happy face. As a matter of fact I haven’t done anything yet this year for costumes or anything. We are just taking the kids to the store and having them pick out an outfit. I usually sew and make most of the costumes each year, but this year I can’t.
Thansgiving and Christmas are coming up soon after. Being thankful this year is certainly a hard thing for me to feel. I am thankful for your siblings, your father, our home, the financial stability we have and of course for you, but everything else I just have to keep at bay right now. I don’t want to spend the holidays with anyone except our family. I don’t want to pretend to fee as if I have to small talk or do anything other than just be with my family. I a the most comfortable and “myself” when I am with your siblings and father, but then I immediately become more awkward and anxious when others are around.
I can’t even begin to think about Christmas. On Christmas Day you will have been gone 9 months. The significance of that number didn’t dawn on me until I thought about that the other day. I was 9 months pregnant when I lost you. I held you for 9 entire months and you lived for 9 months inside of me. Christmas Day will be 9 months since I’ve last held you in my arms. After Christmas Day you will have been gone for longer than you were alive. I just can’t go there right now mentally. It’s going to be difficult for sure.
I just miss you so much. I miss being able to see your sweet face and feel your sweet soft skin against my cheek. I miss being able to smell your little head and feel the weight of you in my arms. I miss everything about you and all the things we should have been able to do together.
I miss knowing you were safe and sound. Knowing you knew my love. Knowing the joy you brought to my life because you were ours and we’d meet you soon and get to take you home. I miss the innocence I used to have. I miss the life I had when the thought of pregnancy meant taking a baby home and raising that baby. I miss the naivety of always thinking when you’re pregnant and in the final days of pregnancy that meant you were guaranteed a living, breathing baby in the end. You didn’t have to say goodbye to that perfect little person and have them yanked out of your arms. I miss the old me that wasn’t aware of the fact that babies die and the devastating life one leads when that tragedy strikes you.
I miss you more than I can ever say and I know you know that. I am trying my hardest everyday to make you proud and to live my life for you and honor you in some way.
I love you my sweet baby boy. You have always made me happy. The thought of you brings a smile and joy to my heart, but the thought of losing you and not having you here crushes me each day. However, I wouldn’t trade you for anything. If I knew in advance that you would pass away, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat because that means you are mine and I am yours.
I love you Turner. Please continue to guide me and help me in whatever way you can. Continue to visit and be near your brothers and sisters and comfort them as well. They miss you terribly. Continue to help your father and I in the life we are meant to lead without you here by our sides. Good night my sweet boy.
I love you
Always and Forever,