When you’re pregnant you count your life in weeks. How many weeks along you are in pregnancy. How many weeks until the baby is born. How many weeks until you get to see your sweet child’s face. How many weeks until you find out if your having a boy or girl. How many weeks until you become a Mom or Dad for the first time…or for the fifth time. Weeks…
And then once your baby is born you seem to still count your life in weeks. How many weeks old your baby is. You do this even until they are nearly a year old sometimes. That’s how we operate as parents.
I count my life in weeks now as well, but my weeks don’t reflect the milestones my baby has achieved or how old my baby is. My weeks consist of weeks since the last perfect day I had with him kicking me inside my belly. Weeks since I last went to bed knowing our baby was safe and sound knowing in 2 short weeks we would finally get to see our baby face to face and if our baby was a boy or girl. Weeks since I woke up and noticed I hadn’t felt him move all morning. Weeks since making a panicked phone call to my husband telling him I haven’t felt the baby move and couldn’t find his heartbeat on the doppler I have at home. Weeks since I drove myself to the hospital with my three year old in the backseat. Weeks since pleading and praying to God to just let my baby move one time and that I could make it to the hospital in time for them to save my baby. Weeks since I saw the look on that sweet nurses face who was trying to find Turners heartbeat and KNEW that her look meant my baby was gone. Weeks since having an ultrasound confirm my worst nightmare…that our full term baby had no heartbeat. Weeks since finding out we were going to meet our sweet baby, but we weren’t going to take him home. Weeks since having my wonderful husband tell me everything was going to be okay and wanting so hard to believe his words were true. Weeks since being induced, giving birth and laying my eyes on my sweet sons face and perfect body and feeling so extremely proud in that moment that I was his mom and he was my son. Weeks since watching my dear husband hold his son and feeling completely helpless knowing you won’t watch him be an amazing dad to Turner here on this earth. Weeks since having your husband tell our 4 precious children that their baby brother had passed away and watching them say hello and goodbye to their brother. Weeks since watching your children’s lives be destroyed in an instant and knowing you can’t do anything to mend their broken hearts. Weeks since grandparents, aunts and uncles held and met Turner and knowing that was going to be the only time they held or saw their grandson, and nephew. Weeks since we last held, kissed, snuggled and loved on our precious newborn son for 12 very short hours. Weeks since having to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life that nearly killed me….hand my son over to a complete stranger knowing I would never hold him again in my arms here on this earth. Weeks since having to make final arrangements to bury our beautiful child. Weeks since I saw Turners little body, kissed his sweet face, held his little hands and stared at the utter beauty that was our son while he lay in his little white casket.
It has gone by so fast, but yet feels like an eternity. It’s been 5 weeks. 5 very long and very short weeks since we last said our goodbyes to Turner. 5 weeks since I had to learn how to live and breathe again. 5 weeks since this hole in my heart has been permanently left for the rest of my life. 5 weeks since the world has become a different shade of colors that seem to be so much dimmer than before.
It’s strange this thing called grief. I am convinced that losing a child is the worst possible thing that could happen to anyone. It leaves you feeling completely helpless, confused, sad, and in utter pain, not knowing what to do or how you’re going to possibly live again. However, then there are moments when you can see the light, the hope and joy that lies ahead. For me, those moments are few and far between right now and are very brief when they happen. I know with time they will become longer and longer and I’ll see the world in the bright colors it once was before. I do know that this is my Heavenly Father telling me everything will be alright and that Turner is fine, happy and doing a marvelous work…things he would have never accomplished here on this earth. He’s doing things that are far more important than the works that he could have performed here. My son, my beautiful son is a heavenly angel doing the work his Father in Heaven had planned for him. The human and mother side of me is in agony that Turner is doing what Heavenly Father planned for him and not what I had planned for him because I want him here with me. But my spirit softly whispers and reminds me that this is all part of a greater plan that I don’t yet understand and one that will make complete sense when I will be reunited with my son. THAT is what brings me hope and helps me breathe each day. That and the love, support and care from my husband, children, family and friends.
Y’all have been incredible, despite my wanting to be by myself and not interact with other people beside my husband, children and family. I promise I know in my mind I will find peace, comfort and joy again , but for right now I’m still so broken and lost. Thank y’all for your love and understanding. Please continue to pour out prayers for peace and comfort for me and our family.